First time for Everything

Babies are purely terrified of the destruction of the world via a meteor or nuclear bomb; they just don’t know it. And the only reason they’re scared of the destruction of the world via a meteor or nuclear bomb is because the amount of boob that will survive due to this attack will be reduced significantly, meaning less boobs to claim as their own. They don’t care about money, clothes, presidents, politics or medical advances; all they need is the warmth of a boob, the love of a woman with a boob and ‘boob food’, which is handy to survive.

Babies have it all sussed out.

babyFear is something that the majority of the world has encountered. There are several laborious factors that create this amount of anxiety and panic in your mind, whether you’re scared about your first day at school or you’re about to sign up for the Naval Air Service – Navy, not signing your midriff to orbit into space or the like. But these factors are something we are brought up to realise. Without the fear of things, we live a mundane and boring life and with new and exciting prospects comes this underlying feeling of wonder.

This all popped into my head like the epiphany I was wanting, no yearning to have. For weeks, months even I’ve been stuck in a rut of wanting and un-wanting, nervous unbalance and uncertainty. The cause, University. And everyone becomes a shell of fear before going off into the world of fresher’s, but there’s too much uncertainty in my mind to call it fear. I’m not nervous about moving through life, it’s more of a deep onset panic that I don’t want to become stuck in something I don’t love. Babies love boobs so they are scared of them being taken away by something but I’m scared of new and unknown things bigger than a set of F cup knockers.

Many will say, it’s fine, it happens to everyone, you’re just getting cold feet, but am I? I have many fears; being alone, feet touching mine, staying in the dark for too long, but for me Uni is bigger than this. It’s similar to being left alone in a room when suddenly every source of light is turned out. You hear the footsteps slowly approaching you and then all you can feel is feet touching your face, your hands, YOUR FEET and your screams are heard by no one. So why must I put myself through it? Why should I walk into that room when I know what’s going to happen. Well, I don’t have to, but what else would I do? 

I’d have no money, no prospects. I could save my tuppence wage over summer and buy a flat somewhere or stay with my family a little longer and continue my dead-end job, neither exciting prospects. So all that seems left now in the game is University and a part of me is excited to be leaving but the rest of me is doubtful about the future and I just want to know there is a certainty of success.

My dad told me the other day this could be down to a lack of confidence and therefore he told me a little mantra to say repeatedly if I ever feel like this again. It’s old, ancient and works every time; so I shall tell you these secret words in complete confidence that you will follow them entirely. Whenever you hear a voice doubting your ability this, “Shut the fuck up” because that’s not you, that’s your fear speaking out and stopping you.

Now I don’t know what’s next in my life and although it’s near and ever looming I don’t need to worry because you don’t need to know as long as your happy. Try things. So I shall try this Uni thing, attempt to enrich my mind and poison my liver with vodka and words. This is me, Charlotte Rhodes, coming off breast milk and attempting solid baby food.

Two months time, I’ll be walking, just you watch.

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